The Weekly Croissant: Never Let A Comedian Open Your Show

And other life lessons

This story has been anonymized to protect the identities of those involved…cue the true crime music

One mild December, I embarked on a tour of the Midwest with my friends “Howie” and “Mae.” One of the shows was a DIY situation in an old arcade building, which had been repurposed into a folk venue. We had gone back and forth with the promoter about this show, and it is worth noting that I did suggest canceling it because it didn’t seem like a very pro situation. But, Howie and Mae had a close friend in this particular town whom they wanted to catch up with, and it was too late to fill in the date, so we decided to go ahead with it rather than wasting a potentially lucrative Saturday with a night off.

So there we were in Anonymousville, USA. We pulled up to a rickety old building and met the very kind and chatty promoter. As it often goes in these situations, the promoter was also the sound person, and he excitedly explained that he was pulling this particular PA out of storage for the first time in 20 years! After significant irreparable damage to our hearing due to the wrong faders being pushed up and down, I submitted to the situation and said…”OK, cool sounds great!” I knew we should have cancelled…. I mumbled to my tourmates. I was stressed out and hungry and my ears were ringing.

We were now running very close to showtime. I had to change out of my van clothes and get some food in me before folks arrived, and I didn’t think the sound was going to get much better. The promoter checked his phone and said, “Hey, there’s a great comedian in town who wants to come to the show. I could ask him to do a quick 5 before the music if that’s OK with you ...I’ve seen his stuff… he’s really funny…”

Normally, this would be an automatic no, because, well, it’s a terrible idea. But I had already given up on the gig being a winner, and I thought that having an opener could at least buy me some extra time to eat before I had to sing. So I looked at Howie and Mae, and we all kind of shrugged, and said… “Sure, GREAT IDEA!”

Fast forward to 15 minutes before showtime… As I mentioned, Howie and Mae had one single friend in this town, let’s call him Rick. Until a few months ago, he had been living with his long-term girlfriend, Shana. But Rick and Shana had gone through an ugly breakup, and Howie and Mae wanted to make sure to catch him on this trip to give him some extra love and support during this difficult time. Although they were still in touch with Shana, they had purposely not told her about the show to avoid things getting awkward.

That’s our scene. Complex, I know, but it will be worth it.

So, Rick shows up at the show early with a couple of friends and we are all hanging out, chatting. Suddenly, his face goes sour and he looks down. “Shana is here,” he says, “with some new guy.” We all look over, and sure enough, there she is.
”Damn,” says Mae, “I didn’t tell her about the show!”

Before we can even say hi to Shana and deal with the unfortunate situation, the promoter gets up and asks everyone to sit down. Mae and Howie and I flee to the small green room in back and peer through the window into the main hall.

“We have a special treat tonight,” says the promoter, “Our own local comedian, Steve, is going to get up and do a short set for us before the music!”

A skinny, nerdy-looking guy with glasses stands up and makes his way to the front of the room. Sitting in the audience, beaming at him, is Shana. The comedian, it turns out, is SHANA’S NEW BOYFRIEND.

OH MY GOD, whispers Mae. We are all watching this scene unfold in horror. Not only have we accidentally gotten Rick and his ex into the same room for the first time since they split up, but we have also invited him to watch her new boyfriend perform a comedy set. We scan the audience to find Rick. The bad vibes rolling off of him could probably split the room in half.

Steve, AKA the new boyfriend and enemy No 1 of Rick, picks up the mic. He proceeds to do an ENTIRE ROUTINE ABOUT SHANA. “So I have this really beautiful girlfriend,” he says, gazing lovingly at her. “Everyone is always shocked when they see us together, like, why is she with this loser?”

Shana is just sitting there smiling at him, completely unabashedly from the audience. Rick looks like he might catch on fire. The three of us are just watching from the back with our jaws on the floor. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? We keep saying, dissolving into horrified laughter.

After successfully achieving worst friends ever status with Rick, our show went reasonably well. To his credit, Rick sat calmly through the whole thing before guilt-tripping Howie into a night out and getting blackout drunk.

And, I can now advise you all with complete certainty to never, EVER, let a comedian open a show for you.

That’s all for this week…

Yours in pastries,

RB