The Weekly Croissant: I'm Back!

Don't Play Games with God While in Labor

Dearest Croissants,

Hello, I have missed you!

How can so much life happen in 6 weeks?

First off, thanks to all of the guest writers who graced this Substack in my absence, and thanks to all of you for sticking around and checking out some new voices. Thanks to my amazing manager Melissa for keeping my life running while I completely ignored the outside world for the last couple of months.

Two croissants ago, I wrote about my choice not to post on social media about my pregnancy, and how afraid I was of being viewed differently as an artist and losing everything I’ve built up over the years of my music career. Well, life has a way of serving up lessons you didn’t know you needed.

baby gift courtesy of Tristan Scroggins

I never had expectations of a romantic childbirth experience, and I’m glad, because I would have been sorely disappointed. It was mostly trying to get sensors to stop beeping, getting stuck 4 times for an IV, and declining to allow a student to administer my epidural. I gave birth at a Catholic hospital, and there was a gnarly crucifix facing my bed. After maybe 12 hours of staring at this thing, George got up, pulled it off the wall, and stuck it in a drawer. I had gotten said epidural at this point, and was loving the Fent. I laughed so loudly that he was worried a nurse was going to come in a see the blasphemy we had committed. But nobody noticed… nobody, but GOD.

Our baby girl, Odelle, finally arrived, and I experienced a flood of hormonal love and attachment such that I feared my feelings could not be contained inside my body. About six hours later, she was diagnosed with a congenital birth anomaly called TEF/EA… essentially her esophagus did not attach to her stomach, and her trachea was linked to it instead. You could say her wires got a little CROSSED. She could not swallow anything, and air was getting into her stomach.

As I stood in the NICU in my post-partum ice pack diaper, the doctor explained that she would need surgery and was going to be transferred to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital.

When? I asked, tears running down my face.

Now, she said.

Since then, Odelle has been through more terrifying medical procedures than I’ve seen in my 35 years. She had two surgeries in her first four days of life, and is awaiting a third surgery in May. She has been in the NICU for 44 days, and will be there until June at the least. And, after so many years of being afraid of a baby taking up all of my time and ruining my life, all I want is for Odelle to be home so that she can take up all of my time and ruin my life.

Ain’t that the way it goes.

Anyway, I mentioned in a very dramatic Instagram post that I have been punishing myself by learning the saddest songs I know so that I can cry about them. Here are a few songs that have been getting me through these endless days of anxiety and waiting waiting waiting…

Note: I would not recommend yelling “almost noone makes it out!” over and over while your child is in the NICU with a life threatening condition…

Jhana sent me a live video of “Made It” when she heard the news about Odelle <3. This is a record from an album we did back in 2023.

I hope that nothing in your life necessitates the use of these songs, but I know that we all face our own hurdles at some point or another, so these songs (and others) are there for you if you need ‘em.

Love you all,

Rachel