The Weekly Croissant: Board Games Gone Wild

A short story

There are six of us in total, underemployed musicians, loafing around, slightly hungover, on New Year’s Day. The previous evening we had attempted to sight-read string quartets while drinking, which resulted in much laughter, horrific renditions of Beethoven, and even more egregious versions of The Beatles. The Beatles were wronged not only by the players (us), but also by the arrangers of these quartets, who had questionable taste in harmony and notation.

Around 1 am, the Canadian banjo player suggested we meet the next day for some board games and we had all enthusiastically agreed, underestimating the impact of all of the drinking on our now over 30-year-old brains.

So there we are, on January 1st, sitting around the fireplace, sipping wine (hair of the dog!), eating pizza, and discussing our game options. The beautiful cellist brought out a box excitedly, let’s play this one, she says, it’s called Villainous, and it’s so fun!

Sure, sure, we all reply.

She begins passing around game pieces, and then booklets, and then cards, and then chips… Actually, she says, we might need to move to the big table for this one.

So we all move to the dining room table, at which we are each assigned a character. I am Maleficent, to my right is Ursula, etc etc etc.

Although our beautiful cellist friend had told us “how easy” this game is, as soon as she begins explaining it, I feel a cloud of panic encompassing my already foggy brain. In this game, each of us players has our very own mission, in line with the plot of a classic Disney film. You’re the Queen of Hearts, she says to the Canadian banjo player. You know, like from Alice in Wonderland.

I haven’t seen it, he says.

What? Says the beautiful cello player, you haven’t seen it?

I guess not, sorry, says the most Canadian of Canadian banjo players.

OK, so your mission is to play four Card Guards and then turn them into Wickets using these Activate squares, which you move your piece onto.

What? he says. What’s a Card Guard? What’s a Wicket?

Hmm… she says. Can I see your booklet?

We have literature! Says the Candian’s partner, a sporty fiddle player from California.

Ugh, sorry, says the beautiful cellists’ partner, maybe this game was too hard.

No, no! We all say, half enthusiastically, not wanting them to feel bad. None of us have any idea how this game works.

Let’s just try playing a round, you’ll start to understand! says the beautiful cellist.

She begins moving her pieces around and playing her cards.

OK, so I am moving to this square where I can play a card. I have an ally, a flying monkey, because I’m the Wicked Witch of the West. My mission is to take Dorothy’s magical silver slippers and use their power to conquer the land of Oz, to make the Cowardly Lion my pet, and then to kill Dorothy and her friends. So I’m going to put this flying monkey here and if any of you try to put a hero on me, that monkey helps my defense. Now also because I’m on this square I can Fate somebody. Ok Rachel, I’m going to Fate you, now pass me your top to fate cards.

What are fate cards? I say. What is Fating? How do you get the magical slippers?

Don’t worry about it, she says, you have different goals. Anyway, those white cards, pass me two!

OK, I say. The rest of us look around at each other, silently pleading for help.

She picks up the two top cards on my white deck. OK, this says that if you play your Enchanted Garden Curse in the Briar Rose Cottage, you can’t move your piece to that square.

Oh. I say. What’s the Enchanted Garden, what’s the Briar Rose Cottage?

It’s in the literature, Rachel! Says the sporty fiddle player, and laughs.

We all start to chuckle. This game is…

OK OK, I’ll go, says the beautiful cellist’s partner, himself an improvisational wizard, not of the Disney variety.

Now I’m Ursula, so I have a very specific way of attaching my heroes, he says. I have this hero here and I have to fight them with a Binding Contract.

A Binding Contract? We all ask.

Yeah, like in the movie! Says the improv wizard. You know with Ariel, how she makes a deal to go up on land.

I’m the Sheriff of Nottingham, says the sporty fiddler. What’s that from?

You haven’t seen Robin Hood? Says the Improv Wizard. The animated one? Roger Miller did the soundtrack?

We all shake our heads…. nope….

We continue this way for a good half hour, the couple in charge explaining every move as we go, because we are all still unclear about the basic premise of the game. The premise is confusing, it turns out, because each of us have a different premise, most of us don’t remember any of the movie plots, and the game has so many rules and exceptions that we have to consult one of the six instruction tomes before any moves are made. There’s also a currency happening, buying and paying for cards, which we keep forgetting about.

The Canadian banjo player, a game lover, and the instigator of this get-together, is getting visibly more frustrated as we move along. Finally, it is his turn.

OK, so you’re trying to get your Card Guards, remember, says the beautiful cellist.

And what’s a Card Guard, it guards a card? he asks, making a valiant effort.

No no, like in Alice and Wonderland, she has guards that are giant cards! I mean they are also cards in your deck, so I guess they are Card Guard cards.

I snort, and cover my mouth to hide my laughter.

OK, he says, trying hard to stay calm.

Let me see your book, says the beautiful cellist. Ah! ok, so your Card Guards have to turn into Wickets. When you activate them, you turn them 90 degrees and then they become Wickets. And when they are all Wickets, you can shoot a “hole-in-one”. That’s where you draw 5 cards from your deck and add up the value and see if it’s greater or less than the value on the Wicket cards. That’s how you complete your mission.

At this point, we are all laughing shamelessly.

Oh my God, I forgot how unhinged this game is, says the improv wizard. Ok, OK it’s pretty unhinged, says the cellist, laughing herself now.

The Canadian banjo player, now relieved that the rest of us are on his side about this game, pulls a card. Ok, I have this Potion card, what happens when I play this?

Oh, says the cellist, grabbing his rule tome, so when you play that, your Card Guards shrink, so you turn them to 45 degrees and they cover one of the spots on your playing card.

WHAT he says, and we all just lose it. 45 degrees??? The space in front of him looks like he just dropped a deck of cards, with some horizontal, some vertical, and now others tipped to the side. He also has his board, plastic playing piece, two decks of other cards, his personal instruction booklet, and a pile of “money".

After several hours of this, my eyes begin drooping, and I’m thinking about crawling into bed. The Canadian banjo player shoots for his “hole-in-one” after activating all of his Card Guards into Wickets and unshrinking them. He adds up the relevant points and it’s a tie. The entire group groans and begins laughing.

Let it be over! we yell….release me from this Binding Contract! Get me out of the Garden of Enchantment! Let me go, Roger Miller!

If I draw one more useless Cackling Goon from my card pile…. I yell, and across the table, the 3rd fiddler at the table, our gallant pizza chef, devolves into fits of laughter.

This…. is so… ha!!! ahh!… ridiculous!!! he shrieks almost falling to the floor.

And with that, we bid farewell to the first day of 2024.